I find I am a fan of words. Not really single words (although there are some doozy single words out there) but collections of words that, if they are good words and in the right order, stand out. I like writing and miss it now I have stopped formal work. It was geeky stuff, but still. When you feel you have something to say, looking for the right words in order to engage becomes a mindfulness exercise. Teasing out picture-full words and arranging them in a tuneful pattern until they feel just right is an engrossing/ all consuming process that, on the memorable occasions it works, is something to be savoured.
I reckon that when you have spent some considerable time looking for the right words, and/or the right order in which to put them, you become attuned to collections of words from others that you 'hear' in everyday life and which fulfil this purpose of attention ensnarement or thought transfer. I remember reading that you can't read and listen at the same time. Reading uses the same part of the brain that you use when listening to create pictures and meaning in order to understand, or occasionally, misunderstand. So in a way, you hear what you read as well as hearing what you listen to - hence the inverted commas around 'hear' earlier (and here as it turns out).
Several years ago, I took to writing these everyday 'hearings' down. Some of them I find myself regurgitating as life guides; as a link to a previously piece of thought-through and endorsed self-advice. Mostly though, the recorded (and therefore remembered) collections of words are of a more a comedic, or sometimes poignant foundation. Something that made me stop, think, and possibly giggle. It is that quality that has raised them out of the background everyday conversations or text and got them put in the book. The title of this post is one such example of these latter subsets. Ironically in this case it was a mishearing, not a hearing, and furthermore, it wasn't me who misheard it!
I was chatting with friend and fellow wordophile, Mike. (Digression alert: I suspect wordophile isn't a real word and spell checker seems to agree. In my opinion though, it is an entirely understandable and therefore valid construct, probably more so than the correct word (if I ever come across it). Correct words can sometimes be very confusing - I found out that a Francophile, for instance, isn't someone who likes people called Frank. End of digression). I had actually said "Incompetent with a capital 'I'" so was astonished when Mike almost had a seizure from laughing so much. When he got his breath back and repeated what he had misheard, I understood. Incompetent with a capital 'A' is so much better, on so many levels, that I was genuinely disappointed not to have thought to say it. A mistake I no longer make - as Incompetent with a capital 'A' has now become a staple of my diction as befits my less-than-sunny, grumpy-old-man outlook.
I will finish this post with some other things that have made it into the book that also lay testament to this tendency-to-grumpiness syndrome that seems to affect previously happy-go-lucky people, mostly of the male gender, once they are of a certain age. The sign (see photo) in the window of a shop in Grassington, Yorkshire Dales, made me laugh out loud (in an empathetic way) along with a lot of men my age I suspect. Below are the grumpy-outlook extracts from 'The Book of Hearings' (apologies in advance for the meaty language in some of them :o). In my defence, the ones I have heard myself saying or repeating are said with the same smile on my face that I have now as I am re-reading them!
If my name was Les, I'd be Les Miserables
He said he didn't come because he'd just had half-a-pint of Can't be Arsed
You'd give an Aspirin a headache!
SAS who dares wins
My wife thinks I have IBS, Irritable Bastard Syndrome
I had my patience tested yesterday, it came back negative
WhatsApp
also works for an IQ test or, in my case, personality test too
He's a man with a fork in a world of soup
Noel Gallagher (about his brother)
You have a face like a bulldog licking piss of a thistle
from a book and film Me Before You
I think we may be circling around the same plug hole
on hamster wheeling to an obvious bad end
My wife acknowledges that there are indeed two ways of doing things. 1. Her way, and 2. Not my way
I need that extra work like a moose needs a hatstand
take on the Noddy sketch by Mick Miller. If you haven't seen/heard it, google it!
If he is a self-made man, he must be crap at DIY
Sorry for my negativity just now. I'm tired, disheartened and a tad beyond being bothered to fight for the bleeding obvious
on being one step closer to the door
I think my get up and go has just got up and gone
That well known supermarket is like an asylum for the criminally dressed
on multi-coloured track suits
Wake up and smell the thorns
Film where death comes for Anthony Hopkins
I had no choice but to give up as I'd run out of F-words
Get it while your still warm
on living before you die
I'm facing a bit of a shituation here
Sometimes you find yourself between the pigeon and the statue
Paul M on shituations
Faults I may have, but being wrong isn't one of them
on not being humble enough to learn
The Titan 1C - the biggest single-use submarine ever built
Cunk on Earth - on telly. Genius!
Its not my fault I work in a no blame culture
on navigating political correctness
One day you'll wake up and you won't
on Resting In Peace
Don't worry, we'll soon be dead
on just not getting too angsty about things
Though statistically optimists live longer, it is probably also true that pessimists are less likely to need to wear adult nappies
on all silver linings having a cloud (and vice versa)
I've got a backside like a dragons nostril
Max on the day after hot curry night
I try to take life one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me
Shit Happens, the book Linda bought for me
I started off with nothing and I've still got most of it left
Sticker on the back of an electricians van
That is the only bit that wasn't so Noddy that it found itself sitting next to Big Ears
on being 'educated' in the bleeding obvious
I feel as energetic as an arthritic slug
on get up and go having got up and gone
As pointless as mopping a beach
Joe Abercrombie, Logan Nine Fingers series
also, does anyone else think that leaf blowers are the inland equivalent of a beach mop?
I need more Kate Rusby in my life and less BBC news
on sometimes not needing so many reminders of just how crap the world can be
It shows what God thinks of money when you see who he gives it to
Ardal O'Hanlon - comic
He likes kids but he couldn't eat a whole one
History doesn't necessarily repeat itself, but it rhymes
Mark Twain
It made me laugh how many signs there were to the secret bunker
Mike on secret tourist attractions
When we say big true things, there is always the risk that it sounds like bollocks
Scott and Bailey on telly
I have the same feeling toward people with ambition but no talent as I do to parasites that suck the life out of their hosts - the hosts in this case most often being the people with talent but no ambition
on Shy Kids Get Nowt
Life is a short and terrible thing and none of us come out of it alive
from PS I Love You - the film
Could I have two pints of hindsight and a packet of crisps please
on the value of experience
I have loads of will power. Just no won't power
Mike on healthy living
The trouble with my brain is that its got a mind of its own
on inability to stick to a plan
Some days I can't remember whether it is Monday or Lewisham
Prunella Scales on dementia
Its like throwing a bag of bolts in a washing machine and hoping it'll come out as a car
Steve N on hope not being a strategy
Stonehenge: If they didn't want so many visitors, why did they build it so close to a major road?
Radio 1
Jesus said to John "go forth and prosper", but he came fifth and got a toaster
A joke from the gospel of Paul M
I wonder what the origin of the word etymology is?
on halls-of-mirrors
Cause of death - own joke
on unshared hilarious thoughts
Its like choosing the wallpaper in the lounge while the kitchen is on fire
on Stepford wives and committees
Flattery won't hurt you, if you don't swallow it
Ken H via Mike
Its good to have plans. If you just go where the current takes you its likely that, even though you start off in the warm azure waters of the Gulf of Mexico, you'll end up on the beach at Rhyl
on the dangers of jellyfishing your way through life
A semi-pissed pessimist will definitely find his bottle half empty
on phonetic anagrams
You'd recognise him. He's the one that looks like a cod with a head cold
on old gits with sour dispositions
Evolution gets results not by planning ahead but by simply hurling a ridiculously large number of hungry horny organisms at a dangerous and unforgiving world and seeing who fails least.
Tom Phillips in his book Humans: and how we f*cked it all up (an absolute must read for my demographic :)
Jingle Bells my arse
on mandated joy
Pure brilliance!